For many of us today, visiting a vicar happens when we need his or her support for a birth, marriage or death. With declining numbers of people going to church regularly in the UK, the old experience of the church ministering to us continuously from cradle to grave has become an outmoded concept. And so our experience is perhaps only that we visit our local clergy at times of high celebration or deep mourning.
We asked a Church of England vicar about his reflections on funerals – helping the bereaved and conducting the service for the deceased. He thinks that he might do thirty to forty funerals a year. He doesn’t count them up even when several occur in the same week. What he focuses on is giving the best and most empathetic funeral service possible, within the guidance of the Church of England.
Here are his thoughts:
Above all, Death is the elephant in the room for society at large. It reminds us all of our own frailty and it has the capacity to take us by surprise.
However, not everything about a death has to be unpleasant and upsetting. It can be something that you prepare for, and you don’t have to be resigned to the inevitable – just as ready as you can be.
This can take various forms but the Vicar remembers several people who planned their own funeral service, both when fit and hearty and when ill and declining. They were proud of their planning and looking forward to a smooth enactment of their funeral wishes. And – as you might expect a Vicar to say – we should all be ready for Eternity by confessing our weaknesses and asking God for forgiveness.
Thinking ahead
Advance preparation for a funeral in all its forms is good, from the Vicar’s point of view. It removes doubt – or, at least, most of it – and provides a template for the bereaved.
One parishioner died whilst playing bowls. He had planned everything for his funeral. He had been a doctor and knew that he had a medical condition that exercise could provoke… but he died happy on the bowling green and certain of his final arrangements.
In planning a funeral the Vicar’s advice is to
- Confront negative thoughts/words with positivity and happy and funny reflections
- Emphasise celebratory aspects of the funeral
- Let the minister celebrate the life of the person who has died. Don’t perform the eulogy yourself unless you’re really confident of controlling your emotions.
A good funeral is always hopeful because clear faith is expressed and the destination is heaven. In other ways it can be good too when there are no family tensions – actually, it can sometimes be a time for reconciliations. Above all, keeping the logistics simple helps everyone concentrate on celebrating the life of the deceased.
Where it goes wrong… and right
A bad funeral sometimes happens when the arrangements or an inheritance are unclear, and families end up feuding. People become polarised and there is little, if any, communication between the different parties. Unfortunately, old conflicts sometimes surface at funerals too. The Vicar’s advice is to urge everyone to think about what the deceased would want, to be dignified and to put aside old issues. It’s the only way to have a smooth funeral.
Our conversation with the Vicar also revealed how important he thinks that relationships with Funeral Directors can be. For the Vicar himself, the regular interaction with Funeral Directors does mean that he is able to understand and appreciate those who are sensitive, well organised and able to listen to the bereaved. Those with a personal approach are the best to deal with, and this offsets any thoughts that a one-size-fits-all service is being offered. Great Funeral Directors have a vocational calling and a marvellous humanity, according to the Vicar. All Funeral Directors will offer a standard service, but the Vicar finds that many of them are happy to offer changes to suit their clients’ wishes.
Planning and support
In summary, the Vicar was firm and clear about how people can best approach planning their own funeral or planning a loved one’s funeral. Being open and honest about your needs, services or inheritance issues, and seeking bereavement counselling if required, are all things that he recommends.
Being comfortable with your choice of Funeral Director is essential. The Vicar says that for the bereaved, those without faith often focus on themselves, whereas those who believe in a life after death, and/or who have decided to celebrate the life of a loved one, are the best equipped to deal with a bereavement.
