Around 70% of deaths now result in a cremation, meaning the vast majority of us will have to deal with a loved one’s ashes at some point. This poses a series of questions – moral, emotional, spiritual and practical – so some guidance may be useful.
Under UK law no-one has the legal right to own another human being, and this is extended to include ashes. Therefore, the person who organises the funeral does not become the legal owner of the ashes, although they will usually be given to them, or to the next of kin, by the funeral home.
If a relative can’t be traced, the undertaker has a legal responsibility to hold onto the ashes for a minimum of five years, and to make reasonable efforts to find a living relative of the deceased who can claim them. According to an article written for the BBC, some undertakers have storerooms full of unclaimed urns, which – in the case of very long-established family firms – can go all the way back to funerals they conducted in the 19th century.
What can you do with a loved one’s ashes?
Most ashes are either buried or scattered in one of three locations: a churchyard, a cemetery, or the memorial garden of a crematorium.
As with most elements of planning a funeral, deciding which option suits you best will come down to a compromise between personal taste, economics and practicality. Scattering is usually cheaper than burial because you don’t need a headstone or burial plot, but in a memorial garden this can seem less personal, as the ashes of dozens of people will usually have been scattered in the same place. The facilities themselves are also likely to place restrictions on what you can do; for example, most churchyards only allow ashes to be buried (with a compulsory religious service), rather than scattered, while memorial gardens may only allow scattering.
Can I keep the ashes at home?
Absolutely. Not everyone wants to say goodbye completely to their loved ones’ ashes, and would prefer to keep them in an urn at home. This can create a very positive sense that the deceased is still with the people who loved him or her, although it could also make it harder for the bereaved to move on.
While it may seem somewhat heartless to dispose of the ashes, the ritual of doing so, accompanied by some kind of memorial service, can enable you to put down a clear marker between the grieving period and the rest of your life.
Are there any other things I can do with ashes?
The rules governing what you can do with someone’s ashes are actually very loose. The basic principle to adhere to is the same as with burials: make sure you have the landowner’s permission, and that there isn’t an environmental risk. Local authorities and members of the funeral profession will usually be able to offer advice on what is and isn’t acceptable.
A growing trend in recent years has been for people to have their ashes scattered somewhere which was important to them; a beautiful view, for example, or on the pitch belonging to their favourite football team. To find out what options are available to you, the website Scattering-Ashes.co.uk offers a good set of broad advice, although you must always check with the individual landowner and any relevant government bodies first.
